The Hipster
By: Victoria Tovmasyan, Pearl Yang, Caroline Lee, and Allen Bohanan.
PS! some words in parentheses are just comments.
Once upon a time, there was a middle-school student, not unlike the students you see in this classroom. His name was Stanley Williams, and (don’t act so surprised) was totally obsessed with social networking. His favorite go-to’s included Instagram, Tumblr, Facebook, Twitter, Google Plus, Myspace and the like, but he especially enjoyed going on Myspace. Then one day, when Stanley (omgomgomg stanley) was in science class, he whipped out his iPhone 9S (nine inches) (oh god that sounds weird) to take a few pictures of their electromagnet project. This is gonna get so many likes on Instagram, he thought. (Stanley h8s u pearl. Perfect.)
But right when he pressed the camera button on his smartphone, the sleek device accidentally slipped from his (tan and slightly muscled) hand, and...
A stifled gasp escaped Stanley’s throat as his beloved nine-inch long phone tumbled through the air, (all the way from his tall, lean, 6’1 frame) onto the table, where the electromagnet laid. “ZOMG!!” he screamed out loud (manlyishly, of course. Prior to the request of Pearl), as the phone landed on the powerful magnet, it exploded into a million tiny, glowing sparks. (that started a fire inside Stanley’s soul and burned out his desire to live. UNNECESSARILY DRAMATIC!!!!!!!!!)
After the thick, gray cloud of smoke around the burned-out electromagnet and the cracked iPhone 9S cleared, Stanley’s eyes were still watering. He had a gut feeling that something horrible had just happened, but didn’t know what exactly. (Then he realized ants were headed toward him. Of course he needed to scream “ZOMG ANTZ ON DA FLOOR. EWEWEWEW”)
What the heck just happened? he thought, panicking to himself. Then he saw a (uber dramatic) silhouette of a man with a beanie emerging from the clearing smoke. The figure was holding what looked like a humongous Starbucks cup in his right hand, and his left hand looked like it was holding a rectangular-shaped object, of which Stanley assumed was his burned-out iPhone.
“No, no, no my precious iPhone! Wait a minute... Hey, hey you! Give me that...” Stanley said angrily, as he reached toward the figure’s hand. The Figure turned around and Stanley faced a mysterious moustached man wearing a shirt which read in white print, “Oh my gosh, this is soooo like totes going on Instagram!” Stanley quickly reached for the stranger’s hand and tried to snatch away his iPhone. “Ouch!” the stranger exclaimed, annoyed. Stanley was purrplexed (haha see what i did there) but he soon realized the stranger’s hand was, in fact, an iPhone.
“ZOMG! WHAT THE HECK.” As if things weren’t weird enough, a cat with a vintage typewriter strapped to its back appeared with a thin, flexible, and tube connected to it’s stomach (probably its belly button) with coffee flowing through it from the trenta² sized Starbucks cup that the figure was holding (yup that’s 7.5 gallons of coffee right there), with the name The Hipstaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa, messily written in black marker.
Just don’t even read this paragraph. (“OMGEEZ, this is SOOOO totes going on Instagram,” The Hipstaaaaaaaaaaaaaa said as he started to take a picture of the cat. “Look what I found! #cat #coffee #weird #lawl,” The Hipstaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa said as he was posting the picture, ”I wonder how many likes this will get on Instagram?” the Hipstaaaaaaaaaaaaa mused to himself, in front of a bewildered Stanley. “Hmm, I know. I’ll like my own picture! Hmm. Yes there it is! One like! ZOMG, I am soooooo popular,” said The Hipstaaaaaaaaaaa. The Hipstaaaaaaaaaa spilled some coffee on the floor to feed the ants, with Stanley NOT crying Manlyishly and left the classroom with #MemeCat #meowing on The Hipstaaaaaaaaaa’s shoulder.)
The Hipstaaaaaaa was strolling on the sidewalk next to the Main Stream nonchalantly with #MemeCat #meowing on his shoulder, until he saw a man surrounded by a crowd of people. Must see what is happening! The Hipstaaaaaaaa thought to himself.
There were about 20 people surrounding the dude that was apparently having a seizure, and all of them were very concerned. “OMG guy having a seizure... THIS IS SO GONNA GO ON INSTAGRAM!!!!” “HAHA SOOO FUNNY #funnies #LOL #seizurrree.” The Hipstaaaaaaaa posted a picture of the man onto Instagram. Then, when his eyes were glued to the phone, The Hipstaaaaaaa tripped and accidentally spilled his scalding hot Hazelnut Macchiato onto the dude having a seizure!! “ZOMGEEZ!! I’M TOTES SO SORRY FOR SPILLING COFFEE ON YOU!,” The Hipstaaaa said as he continued to pour coffee on the stranger.
(“Oh my gosh LAWL. TEEHEE I DROPPED MY CUP OF SUPER DUPER HOT COFFEE. I’M SO SORRY FOR BURNING YOUR PRETTY FACE BUT MY HAND WAS TIRED. OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG SOMEONE CALL THE POLICE!!! AND THE FIREFIGHTERS. AND PARAMEDICS AND SECURITY AND NURSE AND DOCTOR AND SURGEON AND CARDIOLOGIST AND VETERINARIANS AND LIFEGUARD AND FBI AND CIA AND HOMELAND SECURITY AND LAPD AND NYPD AND SFPD AND OBAMA AND JOHN BOEHNER AND JOHN ROBERTS AND JUDY CHIU AND JOE BIDEN AND MICHAEL BLOOMBERG AND THE BLUE MAN GROUP AND THE MEN IN BLACK AND MARK ZUCKERBERG AND BILL GATES AND PARIS HILTON AND HANNAH MONTANA AND SIMON COWELL AND PEARL YANG AND VICTORIA TOVMASYAN AND CAROLINE LEE AND ALLEN BOHANAN AND MRS. HOLCOMB AND DR. HILLMAN AND MR. ACKER AND JERRY BROWN AND THE GUY THAT WORKS AT CVS AND #MEMECAT AND CHEMISTRY CAT AND GRUMPY CAT AND NYAN CAT AND GERONIMO STILTON AND THE OVERLY ATTACHED GIRLFRIEND AND BREAD FISH AND THAT HOMELESS CAT DOWN THE STREET AND THAT PHARMACIST AND RADIOLOGISTS AND METEOROLOGISTS AND ALL THE ZOOLOGISTS AND SCIENTISTS AND MRS. CALLISTO AND MRS. OH AND ALL DA FAMOUS PEOPLE AND ETC!)
Soon, paramedics and firefighters arrived at the hectic scene, and were all confused because there were so many people spazzing around. The Hipstaaaaaaaa decided that it would be the right time to get away, but right when he took a step backwards from the crowd, he felt a huge hand clamp tightly onto his shoulder.
“And where do you think you’re going?” The Hipstaaaaaaa whirled around, surprised. A pair of deep, black eyes stared menacingly back at him, and the Hipstaaaaa realized that it was the seizure guy that he had earlier poured scalding hot coffee on! “I.. uh.. I’m looking for my cat” The Hipstaaaaaa backed away, checking out his attacker LOOOOL.
The stranger sported a tight, wetsuit kind of clothing. But instead of the traditional black, it was decorated with flashy yellow, red, and blue stripes. On the stranger’s chest, the words “MAINSTREAM MAN” was printed in pure white, curly letters. The Hipstaaaaaa snickered out loud, feeling proud of his hipster-y attire.
“Oh my gosh, Mainstream Man? That’s soooooooooooooooooooo mainstream,” said the Hipstaaaa. “You know, I am going to have to zap you with my laser on my iPhone. After I take a picture of you and post it on Instagram, of course.” All of a sudden, Mainstream Man started to attack The Hipstaaaa. “#MemeCat, help meeee!!!” But #MemeCat was nowhere to be found. The Hipstaaaaaa meowed and activated his magic beanie #MemeCat made for him, and the beanie automatically turned into a set of handcuffs and cuffed Mainstream Man.
There was only one thing The Hipstaa could do to end the commotion, destroy his iPhone hand. He took a deep breath, and smashed the iPhone, and collapsed. All of a sudden, everyone stopped spazzing and everything went back to normal. EXCEPT... The Hipstaaaa lay there dead. #MemeCat appeared with his typewriter and started crying because he saw The Hipstaaaaaaaaaaa dead. #MemeCat started to #meow and #cry sadly. A coffee tear dropped from #MemeCat’s eyes and plopped onto The Hipstaaaa’s hand. At that moment, The Hipstaaaa gasped for air and became alive once again. He hugged #MemeCat and the typewriter exploded with confetti, not allowing the Hipstaaaa to be revived ever again. The Hipstaaaa lost his magical trenta^2 coffee cup and died at the age of 26 from coffee poison. (Die Young by Kesha plays softly in the background)
